Confidence and Fear in Communication
by Charlotte Lucas
Taibi Kahler developed a theory on how we are conditioned to behave which he called ‘Drivers’. There are 5-Try hard, Please Others, Be Perfect, Be Strong, Hurry Up.
These personality traits are given to us from childhood by our primary carers.
In order to get attention, we find ways of adapting to the drivers that are most valued and often carried by those that look after us. This can often play out well, if for example you are excelling in the ‘Be perfect’ driver at school; being top of your class, the best at sport and everyone’s best friend but feels very different if you’re not the top of the class all the time.
I think it’s really useful to analyse how drivers propel your behaviour to see that they can be both a help and hinderance to personal development. Trump’s behaviour is a great example of this. In the US election campaign, his ‘Be strong’ driver led him to presidency but blindsided him when it came to losing the leadership and he became an international figure of ridicule.
As we recognise our Driver’s we start to see how they hold us back to become a defence against what we might be feeling. For example- when we excel in something, we feel confident, we can juggle lots of projects and feel as if we are constantly pushing ourselves. It feels good to ‘try hard’ but when we realise that we might need to be more focused, suddenly we feel taken off our centre, lost, or even anxious.
What do our driver’s actually cover up?
Can you recognise what your fear is? Could it be that your ‘be strong’ driver masks a fear of looking vulnerable? That perhaps by choosing to express how you feel you might build a stronger rapport in your professional and personal relationships? It’s interesting to notice how these drivers are influenced by culture, which can make some more difficult to challenge than others; ‘Trying hard’ in China is deeply enmeshed in society’s expectations of how you must behave without question. To discover if trying hard is a quality that is your own or a transgenerational expectation may feel difficult as it has become an accepted way to be amongst the majority.
By taking time to reflect on this you may discover that the ways that gave you confidence have now become obstacles to your personal development and it’s time to address this fear by looking at new ways of behaving. If this rings true for you, please get in touch with one of the team at Communication Collective. We are all united in our Driver behaviour for better and for worse..
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